X for II

It's been two years since I first sat down at this computer and decided to start a blog. I had seen Vincci's and thought that it might be an easier alternative to the various journals and diaries that I had written over the years. It was certainly more university-like, or at least I thought so at the time. Over those two years, I have changed, and the blog has changed. At first I was not entirely sure what I wanted to write here, and the posts, modelled after Vincci's, were mostly recounts of mundane events, with a little bit of extra analysis thrown in. As I became more comfortable with the blogging environment, I began to write posts that were more like what i had previously written in journals. They were personal, convoluted and mostly about girls. Over time, this blog changed again, into what I believe it to be now.
It all started back in Philosophy 200, where I started seeing connections between different essays that i had been writing. I saw that my theories on Philosophy connected with my political and moral beliefs as well. I wondered to myself if someday I could write a book, a treatise if you like, that included all my opinions and views, forged into a coherent whole, an expression of my worldview. I told myself at the time that I would only have the opportunity to do something like that if I ended up being famous and had a chance to write memoirs. However, as second year progressed, I realized, that with no history, polisci or philosophy courses, I no longer had a forum to present my ideas. That bothered me, and I started looking for a solution.
I also noticed around the same time that the entries in this blog were starting to be a little bit redundant. They were personal, vague and more than a little melodramatic. That's all well and good if only I am going to be reading them, but I realized that this blog has a dual purpose. As well as being a place for my personal reflection, it is a way for me to speak to an audience, even if it's a small one, and that I should structure my posts in such a way that they do not lose their internal value but are more interesting for an outside audience to read.
After a while, I realized that all these issues could be resolved through this blog. It could become my treatise, my Empire of Ideas (the title I concieved for my hypothetical book in Phil 200). That is what I hope to make it in the long run, a complete, or at least extensive, collection on my morals, beliefs, experiences(still room for melodrama), theories, political views and my goals. That would allow it to achieve its dual purpose, being a "frontier" for personal development and also being (hopefully) engaging and interesting to read for an outside audience. As always, I welcome ideas on this topic. I would like to end, as I often do, with a list. This one is of the ten posts that I consider to be my best. They are the the most illuminating, the best written, the most creative, the ones that answered the most questions, and most of all, the ones I am most proud of writing over the last two years.

I. Assumptions [9/05]
II. The Altar of Freedom [8/06]
III. A Star Wars Kinda Mood [3/05]
IV. A Kingdom of Conscience [10/05]
V. Man of Science, Man of Faith [1/06]
VI. A More Civilized Age [7/06]
VII. Golden Heart [8/06]
VIII. Interesting People A-Z [10/04]
IX. Speechless [3/05]
X. Playing In The Big Leagues [4/05]

Phantasms

I realized the other day, with a little help from a friend, something interesting about myself. She asked me what was the thing I had done that I most regretted. I had no answer for her. I have never done anything that I regret to the extent that it still haunts me. She also asked whether I regretted having NOT done something. That list isn't as empty. It isn't long but there are are a few entries. My friend suggested that this perhaps indicated that I need to take some more chances. It isn't that I want to regret things that I've done, but I think that list should be the same length as things you regret not doing. If you can have two empty lists, so much the better, but I think that is a rare thing. I started thinking about it, and came to a brick wall. I don't want to do anything that is obviously going to turn out badly, that would just be stupid. There is no point in doing something you know you will regret for that reason alone. I am having trouble trying to think of things that are a little less..cautious..than my usual activities but still harbour a good opportunity for payoff. I'm a finance student, I have to look for things where the risk is proportional to the return. So far I haven't thought of much. I've asked a few people over the last few days, and the jist of their answers has been, "You'll know when you come to it." I thought that was an interesting response, but I think it is only partially true. Some of my "phantasms" that never were didn't materialize even though I realized the alternative existed. I made a clear choice not to do something and now, I wish I had taken the other path. Others, however, wern't a concious choice at the time. I didn't take the risk because I didn't realize that the opportunity was there, or I didn't realize that I could have chosen to do things differently. Frosh Week is a good example. I knew nothing about it going in, and although it was fun, I feel like I missed out on part of the Frosh experience. If I could have my Frosh week over again, I would have done things a bit differently. So, it seems that I need to, in addition to considering more closely some alternative courses of action, become better at identifying situations where there might be a choice with a higher risk profile, but with correspondingly higher returns. I have constructed a short list of actions that I might have an opportunity to try out some of these theories on, but as I said earlier, most of them at this point are superficial. I am also planning to give some thought to those situations where I didn't realize there was a choice and why I failed to see it at the time. Much of it has to do with imcomplete information, but I think more analysis is required. I want to end with some song lyrics, because I don't know where else to put them. This song is one of my all-time favorites, and I've been listening to it alot lately. It is number 8 on my all-time list, but like others in the top 10, notably Timeless Love, it reached the top ten for one reason and later became relevant to me in other ways as well, redefining itself while retaining everything that made it great in the first place. It presented a bit of a problem though, because I usually like to title posts including song lyrics with the title of the song. Alas, I already have a post called The Fire Inside. So it gets stuck in here, as it has provided me lots of musical enjoyment and food for thought while I've been pondering life recently, and exploring the issues in this post.

There's a hard moon rising on the streets tonight
There's a reckless feeling in your heart as you head out tonight
Through the concrete canyons to the midtown lights
Where the latest neon promises are burning bright

Past the open windows on the darkened streets
Where unseen angry voices flash and children cry
Past the phony posers with their worn out lines
The tired new money dressed to the nines
The low life dealers with their bad designs
And the dilettantes with their open minds

You're out on the town, safe in the crowd
Ready to go for the ride
Searching the eyes, looking for clues
Theres no way you can hide
The Fire Inside

Well you've been to the clubs and the discotheques
Where they deal one another from the bottom of a deck of promises
Where the cautious loners and emotional wrecks
Do an acting stretch as a way to hide the obvious
And the lights go down and they dance real close
And for one brief instant they pretend they're safe and warm

Then the beat gets louder and the mood is gone
The darkness scatters as the lights flash on
They hold one another just a little too long
And they move apart and then move on

On to the street, on to the next
Safe in the knowledge that they tried
Faking the smile, hiding the pain
Never satisfied
The Fire Inside
Fire Inside

Now the hour is late and he thinks you're asleep
You listen to him dress and you listen to him leave
Like you knew he would
You hear his car pull away in the street
Then you move to the door and you lock it when
He's gone for good

Then you walk to the window and stare at the moon
Riding high and lonesome through a starlit sky
And it comes to you how it all slips away
Youth and beauty are gone one day
No matter what you dream or feel or say
It ends in dust and disarray

Like wind on the plains, sand through the glass
Waves rolling in with the tide
Dreams die hard and we watch them erode
But we cannot be denied
The Fire Inside

(Awesome Piano Solo)